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Health & Fitness

Teens (tweens) & texting

Dear Jacqui,

I’m writing a letter to you because yesterday I learned about some stuff going on in the local high school, which then led to information of some stuff going on in the local middle schools. Jacqui, you’re in 7th grade now so this means that some of your peers are making some choices that have made me realize I need to have certain conversations with you. Conversations that I don’t think their parents are having with them. See, we parents like to believe that our kids are too innocent, protected, and busy to do that “bad stuff” that only other kids do. Kids whose parents aren’t as involved, or who don’t hang out with the “right” friends, or who don’t go to church or temple regularly. We parents know that while we are far from perfect in our parenting, we are doing our best. We are instilling solid values in our kids, we are showing you how much we love you as much as we can, we are hovering over your homework and your cell phone use and your performance on the field or court. We are making sure you practice your piano, we check your grades in Power School, we know DARE has taught you all about the dangers of drugs, we don’t let you ride a bike without a helmet, and if we’re really on top of our game, we are proud of your good manners.

Sweet Jacqui, you just turned 13. You only have one more year in middle school and then you’re off to high school. Almost every day I see status updates from my peers in Facebook, proud of their children’s milestones, sad that they are off to kindergarten/middle school/high school/college – new stages in life, moving further away from that innocent, dependent little baby. What no one posts is the fact that their 7th grader, who has a smart phone and has been texting and on social media of some sort, has just sent a photo of herself without a shirt on to a boy at school. And he is showing it to all his friends. And she likes the attention and doesn’t realize that this is not something that can be erased. In fact, it is something that can be as public as a billboard on Times Square. What she doesn’t realize is that she has just broken the law. What this girl and boy have just done is something called Sexting.

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I know you are (according to you, but I suspect you’re not exaggerating) one of the only kids you know who doesn’t have a cell phone. I really appreciate the fact that we don’t fight about this fact, that even though you bring it up periodically, in the form of a request, you don’t allow it to become a big conflict. Our arguments over how often you need to shower are exhausting enough. See, there are several reasons I have not allowed you to have a phone, and don’t plan to do so until high school (and even then, it will be based on need – because a phone is still, in my old-fashioned view, a privilege). But we finally allowed you to text. We just don’t allow you to have any social networking apps such as Facebook, Instagram, Snap Chat, etc. Aside from the added expense of a phone and the lack of necessity (you are always around a responsible adult still, and all adults have phones), I have enough to worry about as a parent in this day and age. Phone aside, if you have access to the popular social networking sites and apps, I will now have to really be on top of all the social media out there, go to all the trainings by our law enforcement agencies on how to protect you, and sleep even less because now I will have to go through your phone every day to see what kind of nonsense people are sending you or you are misguidedly sending. My friends who allow their kids to be on all these sites claim they are completely on top of this. And that they trust their children. I don’t want to add something else to my To Do List especially when it’s something I don’t consider as adding value to your life. I also recognize that while I may be really good at some stuff, I’m really bad at hovering over you. And I really trust you but I also know how easy it is to get carried away. How difficult it can be when you’ve placed yourself in an uncomfortable situation that was completely avoidable in the first place. I can’t protect you from a lot of stuff that you’re going to encounter, but this is one area I can still somewhat control.

Sexting is when you send someone (or receive) images and/or text that is sexual in nature. Some of your peers have sent texts asking some of your other peers to send pictures of themselves in underwear or naked. Sometimes these texts have language that if used in a movie, would make it rated R. Many of these images are rated R. I don’t know if your peers know this, but if, say, Sally is 13 years old and she sends a graphic picture of herself (or a friend) to Pete, who is also 13, they can be arrested and sent to jail for up to a year, and/or fined up to $2,000. That’s the law here in CT.

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I don’t know what middle schoolers and high schoolers today think about stuff like “reputation.” It used to be important when I was growing up, but I think that the world moves so quickly today, and people’s attention is so fickle, that maybe this concept isn’t as important as it used to be. Or at least that’s what kids may be saying. Those girls in your school who are freely sharing their private parts, even if just in the social media world – they may think their reputation doesn’t matter to them but I know it does, in some way. Because the reason they are doing that is that they crave attention and a feeling of significance. They do care what people think of them. They base their self-value on the number of Likes they get. They aren’t bad people, they are just looking for something they aren’t getting from a healthier venue. Maybe their home life is stressful, or they feel left out, or their parents haven’t given them a clear set of boundaries and expectations. I also know that they are too young to make wise decisions because their prefrontal cortex, the part of the brain in charge of controlling impulsivity, and making good choices, won’t be fully developed for another 10 years or so (when they are about 24 years old).

You learned about sex way too young, because another girl who knew all about it too young decided to tell you everything she knew. You relearned it all in school, in health class, around the same time that girl drama was also starting in your class. You were still in grade school. We haven’t really talked about it again, but I guess we need to revisit it all and now talk more about the emotional side. Because it turns out that kids who text a lot, and especially those who sext, tend to start engaging in sexual activity at a much younger age. I read that teens who sext are 4 to 7 times more likely to engage in sexual activity than those who don’t. You are way too young for any of that, as are your friends. I’m pretty sure you would agree with me. But see, things can be a slippery slope. Once you start one thing, and then your friends start being a little more daring, a little more naughty, and they’re getting away with it (because I don’t care how much parents try, we are not going to have a concrete firewall to protect you from everything), and then things become more acceptable, especially if everyone is doing it – well, before you know it you are doing something that you never could have foreseen. And the problem is that when you are in middle school and high school, whatever is happening to you today seems like it’s your whole life. When you’re older you realize that your situation today won’t last forever, but when you’re a teen, your reality today is the biggest, most permanent thing in the world, so if it sucks, or if you regret doing something, or you feel totally alone or rejected or overwhelmed, life seems hopeless. Jacqui, those days when you feel like the day is going to be a complete disaster when at 7:30am your hair is sending you into meltdown mode – well, imagine what you would feel like if your frenemy sent a group text with a picture of you that you texted her in a moment of impulsivity, knowing she’d get a kick out of it – and now it’s making its way to that boy you kind of have a little crush on. And then maybe he, in a moment of impulsive naughtiness, texts you directly asking for something a little more revealing. And you send it to him and his teacher sees it over his shoulder and is forced to report it to the police. Sure, it was all good fun, a little naughty – but now your parents are in a really stressful position, their friends think maybe you shouldn’t hang out with their “good” kids, and as far as you’re concerned, your world is crumbling around you. That bad hair day wasn’t so bad after all, was it.

See, we parents know our kids are good. Sweet. Well-mannered. Good values. Good grades. Involved. We need to protect you from sexual predators, and the evil stranger at the mall, but it doesn’t occur to us that we need to protect you from your own natural, normal impulses, which when merged with today’s technology and instant connectivity, can quickly lead to some really harmful situations. So, Jacqui, I hope that with this letter you now understand why it is so hard for me to deny you something (for now) that I know would make our lives easier in some ways, and would make you so happy (at least at first). I know I can’t protect you from a lot of stuff in the world, and nor do I want to. As hard as it is to see my children suffer from preventable mistakes, I realize it’s the best way for you to become wiser. But this is one area that I am not so sure about, and I want to proceed, as a family, mindfully into it.

You know how in health class and DARE you were presented with different scenarios involving drugs, alcohol and peer pressure? And you were taught some coping skills around that? Well, I’m learning that most kids don’t get the same kind of training, or have the same kinds of conversations, around the kind of pressure you will face in the social networking world. There is a huge value in being connected virtually, in having certain apps, including texting, Facebook, Instagram, Twitter. After all, I am a good example of someone who engages in all of the above on a regular basis, both personally and professionally. But like any tool, they can be mishandled and can be dangerous. Just like when the day comes for me to hand over the car keys to you and trust I’ve done all I could to make sure you  understand the responsibility placed upon you with that privilege, I want to make sure that I’m sending you out with a toolbox of coping skills for when you are taken by surprise by an unexpected form of peer pressure. I can’t stop you from typing something and hitting Send, but hopefully when you do so, you will know deep down whether or not your words or the images are something that don’t chip away at your, or someone else’s self-worth. Add value. You are more precious than any amount of Likes could ever represent.

From the bottom of my heart, 

Mami

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